Santa’s Rules

SantaCon is fun, and only fun. That being said, Santa has rules. Read them, know them, love them.

First of all, the Four F**ks of SantaCon.

  • Don’t f**k with kids.
  • Don’t f**k with cops.
  • Don’t f**k with security.
  • Don’t f**k with Santa.

The rest of the guidelines:

  • Holiday apparel is mandatory. A Santa hat is not enough. Buy a suit, make a suit, borrow a suit or steal a suit. Elves, Mrs. Claus, reindeer and unusual interpretations of Santa are appreciated. Glue cotton balls to red long johns if you have to. Got an extra suit? Bring it along.
  • Smart Santas wear multiple layers. It’s December in Kansas, after all. Dress to maximize merriment whether singing Christmas carols in the snow or swinging from a stripper pole in a hot nightclub.
  • Don’t be That Santa. Watching Santa get drunk and rowdy is fun. Babysitting Santa while he vomits in an alley, not so much. On that note, Santa doesn’t drink and drive and neither should you. If you plan to drink, plan a safe ride home. Santa’s sleigh is already full.
  • Bring gifts! Naughty gifts are okay for adults, nice gifts (like small toys and candy) for the kids. Throwing coal at people is discouraged no matter who they are; yes, this includes politicians.
  • Pay for your drinks and tip your bartenders! Santas don’t like to wait on other Santas to pay their tabs, so pay for your drinks as you order them. This adventure should be cash only. And don’t ask for free drinks, ever, no matter what.
  • No Santa left behind! Santa is not inconsiderate and selfish. Stick with your fellow Santas and make sure you all know when it’s time to move on to the next place. It’s not just a case of “the more, the merrier”- Santa is safer with large numbers of fellow Santas. And it’s more fun that way.
  • Santa doesn’t make children cry. Don’t freak them out, don’t try to scare them, just give them a nice smile and a small gift. Parents are a different matter- adjust your attitude based on their behavior.
  • Santa doesn’t get arrested. There is no bail fund for incarcerated Santas and if you cross that line, you’re on your own. Be nice to authorities and business owners.
  • Have fun, and don’t forget to “ho-ho-ho!”